if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Note to self: always read the final line
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.