[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
okay run it by me one more time
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.