Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns