If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.