I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
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Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
want me to check your oil?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.