I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
You Might Also Like
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
This is why I hate group projects
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
23. the denim jacket
when someone compliments me
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.