angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
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Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Why is this me 😫
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no