Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
The Birdles
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*