4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.