Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
The biggest mystery of our time
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
This a good idea
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen