Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining