went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
new record!
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.