*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.