Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night