You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I put the p in pants.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
the council will decide your fate
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.