Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed