Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.