my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?