My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?