If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
goldfish mafia
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
In case you needed to hear it:
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.