Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.