I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.