Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Bringing home a sharpie
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise