When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.