“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Who called it baking and not making love
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker: