No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Just me and my debit card against the world
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?