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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks