When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”