I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
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doing your own taxes
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
🤣🤣🤣
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’