I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur