day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?