I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”