[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I’m crying im so happy for them
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.