Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Swedish for common sense.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m pretty like a car crash.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
an octopus is just a wet spider
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.