Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”