me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar