I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.