[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My teenage children choosing violence
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…