I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.