(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.