Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined