I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
You Might Also Like
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
just left a huge legacy in there
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money