With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Ron is short for Aaronald
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.