Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.