Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.