Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”