Spring cleaning checklist…
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I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Is….Is this an option?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?