The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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Labreador
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.