Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
You Might Also Like
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
This made me smile…
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
c’mon!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet