REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
getting groceries
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence